Do you have the credentials, credibility, integrity, personality and talents with which to do so?
Please note that the Twaklinesque has nothing in common with the burlesque. Even so, in the interests of philanthropy and magnanimity, prior reputation is never taken into consideration in an enlightened, digital, open, sprezzatura auditioning processes.
Seemingly untalented persons, and anyone with an earlier reputation for vulgarity, will receive at least three seconds of attention here. Any more than three seconds will require an individual to appear to have the ability to present themselves appropriately in both public and private.
An introduction to the auditioning procedures
Whether you are here to audition for the private performances of the Social Media Show or for the private performances of the Mozarty Party World Peace and Global Prosperity Tour, or both, your next audition is eagerly anticipated by all the highly talented, exceedingly well trained and extraordinarily experienced critics in attendance in this ethereal theatre at present.
The critics all expect you to perform at your best. What do you expect of yourself? Are you your own best or worst critic?
What have been your prior experiences of auditions and how well prepared are you for this one?
You will be expected to have read and understood:
a) All the preliminary guidance on expectations
b) All the preliminary guidance on environments
c) All the preliminary guidance on audiences
d) All the preliminary guidance on ethics and aesthetics
e) All the preliminary guidance on the questions likely to be asked of you during the auditioning process
f) All the preliminary guidance on career options
g) All the preliminary guidance on later auditions
h) All the preliminary guidance on public relations and media relations
A. Preliminary guidance on expectations
Please be prepared to express yourself honestly both artistically and politically. You will not be expected to perform as any character other than yourself during the early auditions. You will especially be expected to participate realistically in dialogues of enlightenment.
As the panel of critics will probably remind you, it can be very frustrating indeed for audiences when performers do not meet expectations. This is particularly the case when those performers have promised to meet particular requirements, even in writing. Are you familiar with contract law at all?
Anyone consciously and conscientiously auditioning here is expected to know something about redundancy notices and redundant notes, of course. It is always a good idea to prepare yourself well for the disappointments in life.
You may wish to note that none of the highly talented talent spotters associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt spend more than one hour a year watching television broadcasts. They only reluctantly hear a radio broadcast. Usually, they experience that sort of ordeal whilst attempting to do their shopping or when expecting a quiet meal out somewhere. No-one desires indigestion.
Talent is very difficult to spot through a broadcast, mostly because broadcasts are relatively exclusive. During the early, inclusive auditions for private performances in this theatre, therefore, please ensure you have all the necessary abilities with which to perform well through a smartphone or another sort of audio-visual device.
Do not edit recordings of your performances if they are to be used for auditioning purposes. Never distort your talents or lack of them. If you try to mislead the talent spotters, you will quickly be found out and will therefore be banished from future auditions.
If you require the assistance of an ensemble to highlight your talents sufficiently, or to ensure you blend in appropriately with the equally worthy talents of those individuals, please audition as an ensemble and not as an individual. Harmonious teamwork is always required in a Twaklinesque setting.
Additionally, do make sure that all the material you use is either in the public domain or you fully own the copyrights of all the intellectual property you have uploaded.
For auditioning purposes, do not upload any of the aforementioned audio-visual performances to YouTube unless you are perfectly willing to allow anyone anywhere to embed an item in their own digital theatres. Permission will not be sought by the talent spotters as the right will have been implied by your YouTube privacy settings.
In later auditions, whether you intend to perform as a singer, an instrumentalist, an acting professional, a director, a ticket collector, a scenery painter, a dancer, a politician, a costumier, a tour manager, a talent manager, a press agent, booking agent, an opera composer, a playwright, a song writer, a librettist, a novelist, a critic, a brand ambassador or as an ordinary audience member, you will be expected to perform without a microphone, and very well indeed, in front of a live, indoor audience of up to three thousand well informed, well dressed people.
B. Preliminary guidance on environments
You may occasionally be expected to perform with a microphone in front of audiences with a wide range of tastes, beliefs, opinions, skills, talents and attitudes. On at least one such occasion, you and/or your talents will be expected to perform in front of a live audience of up to three hundred thousand people, outdoors in unpleasant weather. Always remember to dress suitably on every occasion.
During any indoor or outdoor performance, for any size of live audience, please be prepared to perform simultaneously in a live broadcast to a televisual audience of up to two billion people. Also expect the occasion to be viewed multiple times from various angles in the digital sphere.
During the subsequent global touring schedule, the entire, multi-talented entourage will be expected to participate in a wide range of promotional activities in a wide range of expected and unexpected circumstances.
Successful auditions usually lead to travels with Mozart. Part of the expectation placed upon many performers in the 21st century is to assist with the management, marketing and promotion of their art. What is your experience of marketing with Mozart?
Would any well-informed critic consider you capable of matching Mozart?
Another expectation of performers, and their entourages, is to know something about local conditions. Participation in the Twaklinesque arts for a better world will require you to have a clear understanding of both the universal and the particular, with or without enjoying access to a really green green room.
Here in this ethereal theatre, as well as elsewhere in Villa Twaklinilkawt, and in the wider world, and even on YouTube, there are many tutorials you may wish to do.
Have you compiled a Twaklin anthology of your prior training, writings and performances?
C. Preliminary guidance on audiences
Do you wish to audition here mainly for inclusive audiences or exclusive audiences?
Both the inclusive and the exclusive have their merits and their drawbacks. You will be expected to recount your prior experiences of those situations.
What have been your prior experiences of Twaklinian poetry, songs, variations and recitals, and for what sorts of audiences?
In a wide range of venues, especially televised ones, many audience members are likely to critique your performance through a wide range of social media outlets. To ensure you can cope with such situations with equanimity, please calm yourself beforehand and afterwards in a really green green room.
D. Preliminary guidance on ethics and aesthetics
During the auditioning process, you will be expected to recount something about the beautiful essence of your life. What will be the necessary inclusions in that recounting?
You will be required to state whether you will be willing to perform on the broadband wagon. Do you know where it is currently parked?
You will be asked about your experiences of a proper Adelaidean passeggiata. What have you experienced along the sublime pathways of your existence?
You will be advised of the artistic and philosophical qualities required of you during a grand finale. What will you probably learn whilst spend some time observing the administrative and curatorial offices in preparation for the big event?
You will be informed of the artistic and philosophical qualities required of you during the moments to mingle. How much do you already know about the ethereal neighbourhood in which you will initially be performing?
You will be provided with information to enlighten you further. Much of that information will be supplied at the gatehouse.
E. Preliminary guidance on the questions likely to be asked of you during the auditioning process
Do you think your talents are a cause for celebration?
When seeking information about the quality of your talents, where have you found reliable sources?
How do you usually deal with appurtenances and impertinences?
When do you know to behave with some reserve?
Which techniques do you prefer to use for higher thinking with a perfectly focused vocal tone?
What have been your experiences of the politics of entertainment?
Where do you usually find out about seeking assistance?
How do you prefer to express the loftiest of thoughts?
When feeling a little lost or confused, do you know how to appoint a new leader?
What have been your experiences of the triumph of realistic grandeur?
How will you maintain an adequately elegant profile?
Why would anyone want to spend a lifetime at the opera?
Have you ever said, or sung, Happy Birthday, Mr Locke?
What is unique about participating in a Twaklinopera?
What do you believe to be suitable subjects for future operatic performances?
After each audition, rehearsal and performance, how do you record your suggestions for improvement?
As you will be expected to work co-operatively with Nilkawtians, they will want to know how you will help in continuing the mission.
What is your usual response when seeing a sign reading: Nice candidates required. Please apply here?
How do you ensure your interpretations are authentically authorised by the composer?
When a set of performances has not gone as planned, do you think it was an interest week for reformers?
F. Preliminary guidance on career options
All performers associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt and the Twaklinesque arts will be expected to convey sensitivity and gentleness towards other performers, and towards the wider world.
At all times, all the performers associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt will be expected to be involved in supporting enlightenment and creating world peace. These qualities and experiences will assist in many worthwhile careers.
You will be expected to speak, sing, write and think in the English language at a relatively high international and intergenerational standard of courtesy and comprehension, even when using idiomatic phrases. The ability to entertain the public in one or more other languages will also be an advantage in any career, even when performing mainly as an instrumentalist, conductor, dancer or costume designer.
Early auditions will usually take place online, with or without your knowledge. In the interests of fairness, you will have the opportunity to compare your ethereal auditioning experiences with those of other performers. The critics working within Villa Twaklinilkawt do their best to improve everyone's career possibilities and quality of life.
G. Preliminary guidance on later auditions
Anyone completing the preliminary auditions, and following the relevant, preliminary guidance, may have the opportunity to advance through the auditioning process to its Adelaidean phase.
You will be expected to:
1. Deck and decorate the Adelaidean and global halls
2. Be involved in leading from Adelaide
3. Respond dutifully when Queen Adelaide invites you
4. Listen to the real voice of Adelaide
5. Participate in writing and editing when Queen Adelaide invites you
6. Do all that is necessary towards conserving and enhancing the best of Adelaide
7. Do all that is necessary towards conserving and enhancing the best of the world
h. Preliminary guidance on public relations and media relations
When associated with any Twaklinesque project, you will be expected to be accomplished in public relations and media relations. Only tasteful publicity will be expected of you. Please ensure you know how to maintain suitable boundaries between your public image and your private life.
Never talk about the private life of anyone except for suitably artistic or educational purposes.
Never intrude upon anyone's private life or seek inappropriate relationships with anyone.
Never use coarse language.
Always avoid unbecoming habits.
Allow your talents to speak for themselves.
Unless you have the ability to resolve problems peacefully, always avoid controversy.
Never use marketing jargon.
Always present yourself in public with an elegant, timeless quality, except when expected to perform comedy.
Always maintain a clear distinction between yourself as a performer, yourself as a person and the characters you have played and may be expected to play.
Do not behave like Mozart, unless you can match him as a composer.